spaces

My  writing group ends. I’m estranged from someone who DSC_5494has been a loving presence in my life since I was a child. I’m invited to join a group, and the woman who invited me finds out she has cancer. My sponsor leaves town. Someone who taught me how to be a friend, who has remained a friend, who has the sunniest heart I’ve ever encountered, just found out her husband has cancer. Another friend’s husband isn’t healing from a surgery. I’ve finished a book and am in the empty space before another begins, but there seem to be empty spaces everywhere. My mother’s expression is more vacant. I know to expect it, but it’s bigger than I thought it would be. I feel as if I’m standing in a widening circle. The only thing I can do is be still and hold the faith I’ve cultivated these last years close. I will go upstairs and dance it, faith and fear, grief and love, life, life, life, filled with changes I must accept. I have done this before, once stepping out of a car crash of hope. I thought I would die. Didn’t.  This is not a car crash. It’s the knots in my rope of friends, of dear ones, unknotting, moving on, or disappearing. I can stand in each fresh little emptiness. I can let them wash over me, teach me, touch me, mold me. Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and yet I must learn it anew each time I’m shaken. Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean. Wash me and I shall be whiter than snow.

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3 responses to “spaces

  1. I’m writing this through a veil of tears…what a moving post Karleen. I don’t have anything inspirational to say, sorry, but I wish I could give you a hug.

  2. I have been exactly where you are…perhaps not exactly, but in a very similar place. Somehow we pass through, but until it does, I offer a prayer in your name.

    I have been a fan of your writing for years and tonight when I checked in to read your blog, it touched me so, that I at least wanted to extend a warm hug.

    Kathleen

  3. Life is so bittersweet. As you have stated in your post, the losses we must endure and hardships of our friends and loved ones can bring us all down and take its toll. Without the strength and hope our faith brings us, it is unbearable or so it seems some days. These are the days our faith is challenged by the very fear and loss our lives bring to us… we see it much clearer now, especially as we grow older. What you say is true. Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and nothing will last forever. Nothing but the memories of the good times, but you cannot forget the hope of things to come. New life, new friends, good times yet to come. Eternal spring and all its glory. It makes you whole again. Be strong in your faith and know that there will be something to rejoice about each day. God’s Blessings on you!

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